Outlook
What a difference 24 hours can make. I decided yesterday that I could not longer continue to do this alone and that I needed help.
Today at 8:45 am, I saw my psychiatrist whom I had not seen since October. We both realized that the one medication I am on for depression isn't working because I did not have any refills. No refills = no medication = looney town. Ok, not looney, but not healthy. So, he wrote me my needed scripts.
Next up, I decided to close out a random bank account I had at a bank nearby and walked out of there with $181.40. This piece of info factors in nicely later in the story. I killed a little more time with a visit to Starbucks & the gas station before heading back to Dr. Crazy's office to see a new therapist.
Her name was Yolanda and I liked her immediately. Her office was dimly lit because she just got out of a "relaxation session" - whatever that is - and I asked her to keep the lights low. We talked, I cried, and cried and cried. I let it all out. I envisioned going to this meeting to discuss the scads of Girl Scout Cookies & my lack of self control this week. I wanted to talk about my food issues, my weight, my compulsion to over eat everything in sight. I thought she would give me an Eating Disorder and we could get on with it.
Funny how I was prepared for that, even told her that I weigh nearly 400 pounds. Both of us realized that wasn't my real problem. I know - I can hardly believe it myself. My problem is my lack of control at home with my child. I see it as my inability to mother effectively. I am so frustrated with myself as a parent that I can't see through the anger. I told her how much I dislike being a mother and how guilty it makes me feel.
She helped me, by god, she helped me get it all out and come up with a plan to set things straight, to gain control. First thing - parenting and discipline. A 4.5 year old runs my house and me. She helped me to see that by gaining control I will not only help my son, but myself. She kept telling me that I will be doing it for ME! And helping my sone along the way.
Working though it will take work, hard work, patience, aggravation and tears from both of us. It's going to take months to retrain my child. First up, bedtime, the worst time of the day for all of us.
We also talked about time for myself. After admitting to her that I am almost 400 pounds and how miserable I am, she mentioned Weight Watchers. We all know that I've done it before. I told her that I do not need to do it again. I do not want to pay for the program when I can certainly do it myself. She thought that I could get good support from going to the meetings.
Weight Watcher meetings do nothing for me. As a woman with a substantial amount of weight to lose, I can only roll my eyes as the 145 pound woman who wants to lose 20 pounds and her suggestions of "parking a little bit farther from the door and taking the stairs instead of the elevator".
Yolanda thought the meetings could give me "me time". I told her that I would much rather go back to the gym I belonged to in 2001. I love that Fitness Center. It's big and beautiful with great facilities including an Olympic sized pool and sauna and steam room. I told her that I'd been considering the "weekend only" membership that they offer. Her response "Then why don't you do it"? What a great fucking question!
I had all kinds of reasons in the past why I shouldn't do it - didn't want to pay the registration fee, no time, etc. But there was no reason today. I had money in my purse from my trip to the bank and no excuses. I felt such motivation and hope as I left her office. I need therapy. I set up appointments with Yolanda every two weeks.
I left her office and drove immediately to the Fitness Center and signed up for my weekend membership. I met JC, a personal traininer, who signed me up. I couldn't believe how sincere and excited to help me he was. He saved me $50 on the membership fee and told me about his sister's weight loss struggle. On Monday the 25th, I am meeting with JC for my orientation, measurements and program evaluation. I'm looking forward to it.
JC called me at work that same afternoon AND had his sister call me from California. Crazy, huh? It's weird how people appear when you need them the most.
I feel hopeful and less lost today. If I work hard, I can fix me, mentally and physically. I can become stronger and healthier. I will.
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